Letter - Part Two

Do I honestly think I made a mistake?

I honestly don't know. Some days I believe I did, other days I believe a different version of the truth.
You said it was your stupidity - that you pushed me away. But at the time you had your reasons, I didn't try hard enough to understand and I didn't fight to stay. I just got lost in the hurt. Later when you tried to make it right between us, when you braved honesty and asked if we could start over again - I was the one who pushed you away. I had my reasons then too but now, all these years later I don't think they were good ones. I was worn out from the pain of always missing you, tired of being alone and couldn't see the way forward for us to be together in the future. I lost faith in the distance between us disappearing and gave way to doubts about whether or not we were right for each other.

I fell easily for someone else's words and promises in the here and now - that lent even more weight to my doubts. In the end I chose simple and uncomplicated over heartache and uncertainty. At least that's what I thought - turns out I was wrong about that too. I won't detail the wrongs in my marriage here, you know a little from what I've told you but telling it all feels disloyal somehow. And maybe it's no more or less than most relationships struggle with.

There has been good in the choices I made, not just good but wonderful too - I can't deny that although I'm finding it hard to hold on to those memories right now.  But in the back of my mind is always the thought "If this was absolutely the right choice then why are you always thinking of someone else, why can't you leave them behind in the past?" The pain of missing you has never gone away, I have always felt alone on some level and wondered if you felt that too.

My head tells me I should let you go, that a future with you is just a mirage - a fairy-tale in a book that can never be real. It tells me I should make the most of what I have, focus on the present and not give up on the promises I made but work to keep them. The grass is only greener where you water it...

But what if you're the only one doing the watering?

Summer's skeleton

"Toward the end of August I begin to dream about fall, how
this place will empty of people, the air will get cold and
leaves begin to turn. Everything will quiet down, everything
will become a skeleton of its summer self. Toward

the end of August I get nostalgic for what’s to come, for
that quiet time, time alone, peace and stillness, calm, all
those things the summer doesn’t have. The woodshed is
already full, the kindling’s in, the last of the garden soon

will be harvested, and then there will be nothing left to do
but watch fall play itself out, the earth freeze, winter come."

by David Budbill

For the first time in a long time it's quiet, i'm alone and i can feel what i feel. 
I miss you.
It's as simple and as complicated as that.