I thought I would write here everyday this October but as the nights drew in and the leaves began to fall I fell silent. There's a long shadow that hangs over this month for me. I thought after many years I'd outrun it. I've written about it elsewhere, dragged every detail out into the light hoping it would chase the darkness away. I wanted to be done with it, to feel there was nothing left to say and that I could move forward without looking back. I thought that meant I would be free.
I've confused being free with finding peace. Some things rest in the past, others we carry with us all our lives. For me, I can't leave this thing behind because the joy and the pain are so intricately entwined. I lost but I gained. I grieve deeply because I loved deeply and I can't separate those two things. There will always be a shadow because there was light.
"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy."
KAHLIL GIBRAN
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