I promised you a letter but I can't promise it won't be chaos. I don't have the answers to the questions you asked, no certainties except how I feel about you. I don't know how to make the fairy tale real and like you, I'm scared of destroying it in the process. This is all I know:
At the airport, waiting for our luggage and knowing that you were waiting on the other side not so far away, I could hardly breathe. I felt like there were hundreds of wild winged creatures flying around inside me. But as soon as I saw you it all went calm, I knew it would be alright.
Just being near you, sitting beside you, even in silence I felt at peace. I was happy - the kind of happy that doesn't depend on circumstance but just thinks "I'm here with you - nothing else matters." You asked me what I was thinking and I told you I was imagining an alternate reality but in truth I was imagining us there in that moment abandoning all pretence. What it would be like to hold your hand, put my arms around you, kiss away your tears. What it would be like to fall asleep beside you without the ache of knowing that the day after, or the day after that, one of us would have to leave again.
Then there's the actual reality - that in this moment we aren't free to be together and what keeps us apart matters too. In time maybe they will matter less, or we'll find a way to make it all work... there are no guarantees. All I do know is that I hope that I can find the courage and the strength to follow my heart when a crossroad appears. I didn't the first time around - I don't want to make the same mistake again.
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