Letter - Part Two

Do I honestly think I made a mistake?

I honestly don't know. Some days I believe I did, other days I believe a different version of the truth.
You said it was your stupidity - that you pushed me away. But at the time you had your reasons, I didn't try hard enough to understand and I didn't fight to stay. I just got lost in the hurt. Later when you tried to make it right between us, when you braved honesty and asked if we could start over again - I was the one who pushed you away. I had my reasons then too but now, all these years later I don't think they were good ones. I was worn out from the pain of always missing you, tired of being alone and couldn't see the way forward for us to be together in the future. I lost faith in the distance between us disappearing and gave way to doubts about whether or not we were right for each other.

I fell easily for someone else's words and promises in the here and now - that lent even more weight to my doubts. In the end I chose simple and uncomplicated over heartache and uncertainty. At least that's what I thought - turns out I was wrong about that too. I won't detail the wrongs in my marriage here, you know a little from what I've told you but telling it all feels disloyal somehow. And maybe it's no more or less than most relationships struggle with.

There has been good in the choices I made, not just good but wonderful too - I can't deny that although I'm finding it hard to hold on to those memories right now.  But in the back of my mind is always the thought "If this was absolutely the right choice then why are you always thinking of someone else, why can't you leave them behind in the past?" The pain of missing you has never gone away, I have always felt alone on some level and wondered if you felt that too.

My head tells me I should let you go, that a future with you is just a mirage - a fairy-tale in a book that can never be real. It tells me I should make the most of what I have, focus on the present and not give up on the promises I made but work to keep them. The grass is only greener where you water it...

But what if you're the only one doing the watering?

Summer's skeleton

"Toward the end of August I begin to dream about fall, how
this place will empty of people, the air will get cold and
leaves begin to turn. Everything will quiet down, everything
will become a skeleton of its summer self. Toward

the end of August I get nostalgic for what’s to come, for
that quiet time, time alone, peace and stillness, calm, all
those things the summer doesn’t have. The woodshed is
already full, the kindling’s in, the last of the garden soon

will be harvested, and then there will be nothing left to do
but watch fall play itself out, the earth freeze, winter come."

by David Budbill

For the first time in a long time it's quiet, i'm alone and i can feel what i feel. 
I miss you.
It's as simple and as complicated as that.

Letter: Part One

I promised you a letter but I can't promise it won't be chaos. I don't have the answers to the questions you asked, no certainties except how I feel about you. I don't know how to make the fairy tale real and like you, I'm scared of destroying it in the process. This is all I know:

At the airport, waiting for our luggage and knowing that you were waiting on the other side not so far away, I could hardly breathe. I felt like there were hundreds of wild winged creatures flying around inside me. But as soon as I saw you it all went calm, I knew it would be alright.

Just being near you, sitting beside you, even in silence I felt at peace. I was happy - the kind of happy that doesn't depend on circumstance but just thinks "I'm here with you - nothing else matters." You asked me what I was thinking and I told you I was imagining an alternate reality but in truth I was imagining us there in that moment abandoning all pretence. What it would be like to hold your hand, put my arms around you, kiss away your tears. What it would be like to fall asleep beside you without the ache of knowing that the day after, or the day after that, one of us would have to leave again.

Then there's the actual reality - that in this moment we aren't free to be together and what keeps us apart matters too. In time maybe they will matter less, or we'll find a way to make it all work... there are no guarantees. All I do know is that I hope that I can find the courage and the strength to follow my heart when a crossroad appears. I didn't the first time around - I don't want to make the same mistake again.

Heading home

Wild Geese

"You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things."

by Mary Oliver

 Wild thoughts in my head are still trying to settle themselves into words. But this poem says something of what I feel. How I ache to love what I love, let go of what weighs me down and be free. I've searched for home my whole life and grown tired of trying to make myself stay in places that aren't. Something in me knows where I'm heading, it's moving me across landscapes and I know I will end up where I'm meant to be. There's a kind of peace in that for me; trusting in the natural order of things, how one season leads into another and soon the wild geese are heading home again. 

The road between us

No Road by Philip Larkin

"Since we agreed to let the road between us
Fall to disuse,
And bricked our gates up, planted trees to screen us,
And turned all time’s eroding agents loose,
Silence, and space, and strangers–our neglect
Has not had much effect.

Leaves drift unswept, perhaps; grass creeps unmown;
No other change.
So clear it stands, so little overgrown,
Walking that way tonight would not seem strange,
And still would be followed. A little longer,
And time would be the stronger,

Drafting a world where no such road will run
From you to me;
To watch that world come up like a cold sun,
Rewarding others, is my liberty.
Not to prevent it is my will’s fulfillment.
Willing it, my ailment."



It was still there after all these years - the road between us - so clear, so little overgrown. Did that surprise you as it did me?Standing  at the gate, heart aching to walk it. I hadn't expected that - the pull towards you, like the roots of a parched tree to water. A world where no such road runs would be too cold. Promise me we will defy time - that it will never be the stronger.     Will we keep the road between us and hope that one day it can be followed again?

Don't know how to reach you now. Feel very far away from you and very lost. Hope you're ok. Tell me if I should stay away and I will.

Thinking out loud

I still don't know what to say. You said it's not my fault but it doesn't feel that way. I knew coming to see you would be a risk but maybe I didn't think carefully enough about the consequences for both of us. When I asked you told me you were happy most of the time. If I've pulled you away from that - I'm sorry. If we were both free things would be different  - but we're not and maybe head needs to win over heart right now. Time to write is short at the moment but I want you to know that I will always be here for you - as a friend if that's all that's possible right now - and if you were happy last week because of that then I think that's ok. You're allowed to be happy when a friend visits aren't you?